


I've Never Thought About It! ...But Now I'm Thinking About It...

by DilynAliceBlake



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: "Unrequited" Feelings, Angst, Arguing, Arguments, Dramatic Reveal, Ethical Dilemmas, Human AU, Incest, Internal Conflict, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Pining, Poly Relationship, Revelations, Secrets, Slow Burn, Triad - Freeform, Twincest, and the revelation thereof, remrom - Freeform, remromceit, remus sanders doesnt use normal metaphors, remy is just a brief mention for plot reasons, this was not the plan, uncomfortable turns of phrase
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:41:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 2,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27558535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DilynAliceBlake/pseuds/DilynAliceBlake
Summary: Startling revelations, a change in perspective, and (after a bit of denial) the realization that maybe the attraction isn't one sided.  The idea twists his insides in scary new ways.  Exhilarating, arousing new ways.Wait, hold on, Janus is here too.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Creativity | Roman Sanders/Dark Creativity | Remus Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been reading homestuck, so my writing style and voice are a bit out of wack. This story is abrupt and rough around the edges. It was also written two days after the idea hit, and I can never get a flow going if I don't write while still giddy with the idea.  
> Theorhetically if I keep writing every story I feel like, statistically speaking some will be bangers.  
> Listen I'm sleep deprived.

“You could never understand! You have no idea what it’s like to think things that would make others hurl, to have ideas that make you hate yourself. No one ever judges you the way they do me. I feel like I’m one slip up away from a cell.”

“I know it can be exhausting to fight your own thoughts, but-”

“You don’t! Because when your insecurity rears up, it hurts you, but when I think about tearing people open to see what’s inside I _like_ the thought! You can’t _imagine_ what it’s like to be that twisted. Everything about _you_ is societally approved!”

“You think I don’t have thoughts other people would hate me for? You think I’ve never wanted to do something, knowing that if I did it could ruin everything? News flash! You’re not the only fuckup in the family, Remus!”

“Oh, I’ll believe it when I see it,” Remus scoffs. “You’ve never even been on the same side of the stratosphere as the shit my brain cooks up.”

“How can I possibly convince you that you aren’t so reviled as you insist on believing?”

“Just because _you’ve_ never called me demented, unhinged, or generally intrusive doesn’t mean that no one else has had the balls to tell me how they feel.”

“Well they’re wrong! You are amazing, you say whatever you want with no thought to the consequences; and while, yes, sometimes that _is_ a bad thing, there are times that I only _wish_ that I could be as brave as you.”

“Then do it! Say whatever it is you’ve supposedly been so scared to. I’m the last person to judge you.”

“Remus, you don’t know what you’re asking of me. I’m not like you-”

Roman knows that it’s the wrong thing to say, the exact counter to the point he’s spent their entire argument trying to make. Panic fills him as he sees Remus closing up before him. If he screws this moment up, who knows if Remus will ever believe him again? He can’t let his reassurances mean nothing, but at the same time…

Well, Remus agreeing he won’t judge Roman or not, he knows that this _could_ ruin everything. Still, it’s a chance he’s forced to take.


	2. Chapter 2

Roman sweeps in for a kiss. Not a peck, nothing chaste. He kisses Remus like he’s been resisting doing, one hand going to grip his brother’s hip, the other grasping desperately at Remus’ curls in the hopes of keeping him in place for a few precious extra seconds.

Remus is frozen stock still, unable to comprehend the sudden assault on his person. Still, even with Remus offering no encouragement, a small noise of satisfaction whines out from Roman’s throat. His hand moves from hip to ass, cupping a handful in a grope much more shameless than it has any right to be. He’s already dizzy, knows he’s probably more than proved his point, but years of longing aren’t easily calmed once the tide rises.

Once Remus catches up to understanding what Roman is essentially confessing to he goes from statue to shock, shoving Roman off hastily.

His hard on is probably glaringly obvious, but not so glaring as Remus' gaze.

“Was that some kind of sick joke?” Remus asks tremulously, but it’s clear to both of them that Roman went much too far for his actions to be written off, nevermind the way he’s even now licking his lips.


	3. Chapter 3

“There’s no reason to look at me like that,” Remus says, shifting uncomfortably, but Roman gives a cocky half shrug, head tilted and eyes heavy with suggestion.

“This is how I always want to look at you,” he admits, because it’s easy to let incriminating words spill out now that the dam’s broken.

“That can’t be- Roman I am your _brother_!” Disbelief bordering on hysteria raises his tone, but Roman doesn’t flinch. Instead he smirks, half suggestive, half self-deprecating.

“Yeah, you’d think that would make it less alluring when your hips sway.”


	4. Chapter 4

“How often do you check me out?” Remus splutters, clearly discomfited.

The guilt finally wins against his post kiss buzz, and Roman looks away, unwilling to admit more than he already has.

“Oh my god,” Remus realizes, “My Halloween costumes.”

“Oh please, like the sexy nurse was any more revealing than what you swim in,” Roman huffs, exasperated. Remus pales. 

“You might have stopped me!”

“I talked you out of skinny dipping, I considered that enough of a sacrifice in the name of your modesty. You were very pleased to have gotten your way about the speedo. I’m a man, not a saint.”


	5. Chapter 5

Remus is so floored by this development that he’s nearly forgotten the self-loathing spiral that started the entire ordeal.

“How are you so calm? You just came onto me! _Me_!” he gestures violently between them as if to somehow further emphasize the fraternal bond between them.

“Unfortunately, no, it was only a kiss,” Roman tries to joke, but apparently the implications of his formerly hidden attraction are still settling, because Remus looks scandalized.

“The point is that I don’t find it unsettling. Quite the opposite. Remember when I broke up with Remy because he proposed?”

Remus does remember, he had been incensed that Roman could be so cavalier about throwing away romantic opportunities when so many men had genuinely loved him. That was always the tipping point with Roman; no matter how in love he obviously was he never committed to something serious. He would always laugh it off and insist that he preferred living with his bro. The few occasions Remus was insecure about his own future as an eternal bachelor Roman was always quick to insist that he would always be the most important man in Roman’s life.

“You have a terrible sense of humor,” Remus says, because he’s probably in shock, and ‘Of course you’re loveable; I love you!’ was a lot less patronizingly placating when viewed as more than an obligatory (and platonic!) consolation.

“I’m going to go stay with Janus for a while,” Remus decides, feeling wobbly.

“You don’t have to _leave_. I’m not- this doesn’t have to change anything,” Roman pleads, but Remus needs space to think about what this means and how he feels. He doesn’t want to spend the next few days wondering if Roman’s checking him out whenever his back is turned, fantasizing about him when he-

Remus needs to think.

“Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“I’m still your brother, you know.”

Remus feels like maybe that doesn’t mean the same thing that it used to.


	6. Chapter 6

Janus isn’t at home when Remus makes his way in, but he knows the building’s entry code, and the lock to Janus’ apartment isn’t hard to pick. When Janus arrives it’s to slip in nearly silently, and Remus lifts his head from the couch he’s laying stomach down on enough to say “It’s just me, Jan-Jan.”

Rather than being reassured, Janus lowers his weapon to rush over and begin fretting, checking Remus for fever and injury both.

“ _So_ glad you decided to break into my home and make me think you’d decided to use my couch as an impromptu deathbed. The adrenaline and emotional whiplash was _just_ what I needed.”

“I’m sure I have no idea what you mean,” Remus sasses, begrudgingly sitting up only because it _is_ Janus’ couch.

“Oh yes, because you _always_ sit in complete silence in my living room when you’re over. You _never_ put music on loud enough that I get noise complaints in an effort to ‘drown out your brain.”

“I was thinking.”

Janus raises a skeptical eyebrow and looks pointedly at the lack of mess surrounding Remus’ seat. Remus is hardly a subdued thinker, but he isn’t so much as pacing. His hands are markedly still, no impromptu project keeping them busy as he ruminates.

“Not that type of thinking,” Remus snaps, “Serious thinking.”

“It must be to have rendered you so unobtrusive,” Janus drawls, more teasing than biting.

Remus gives a dry chuckle, because usually he was all about chaos, but his world was unsteady enough as it was. No amount of disaster on the outside had a condom’s chance in a brothel of matching the turmoil currently bubbling within him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A "condom's chance in a brothel" is meant to parallel a "snowball's chance in hell."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had trouble putting Remus' voice and characterization into the conveyance of his feelings. Chalk it up to him being flustered.

“It was somebody else’s turn to be the wild card,” Remus mutters, tucking his legs up and hugging them tight.

“Oh that’s not at _all_ intriguing,” Janus prods verbally, settling in without so much as making his customary cup of tea.

“Janus, what would you do if someone that you’d never even remotely suspected felt that way- Someone you thought of as practically a sibling!- confessed to having feelings for you. Like, life changing levels of feelings. More feelings than the internet has porn. Turn off adblock, unfathomable attraction in your area!”

“That depends: Is this theoretical person someone I find attractive?”

“I’ve never thought about it!” Remus nearly screeches, apparently defensive at the mere suggestion.

“That’s strange,” Janus muses, “I can’t think of a single person we know that you haven’t taken one opportunity or another to hit on.”

Remus buries his face into his knees to groan loudly. If you had asked him yesterday, he would have expressed a similar sentiment. Evidently Janus had made the same blatant oversight. Some things were, Remus mused, only conspicuous in retrospect.


	8. Chapter 8

“Is Remus okay?” Roman asked, unusually reserved in his clear worry. “I know he’s having a difficult time, but I didn’t think he’d be avoiding _everyone_ this vehemently.”

“Yes, the confession’s got him all jumbled up,” Janus says slyly, not mentioning a name in the hopes that Roman knew more and would give him a potential clue. Remus’ lips had been determinedly sealed on the matter, and Janus’ curiosity had only grown in the meantime.

“If he wants to come home, I could go somewhere else,” Roman offered, chewing his lip with worry. 

Something about that offer niggled at the back of Janus’ brain, a clue he wasn’t quite able to slot into place.

“He’s fine at my place,” Janus tries to soothe, and the look on Roman’s face as he shoves the bag of Remus’ clothes and toiletries towards him was inscrutable.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was bored so splashed some words on a page via phone. dont expect anything refined lol.

There's a letter at the top of the bag of Remus' things. It's closed with a wax seal pressing flowers into the cream of the envelope, and Remus' name is written on it in graceful swooping calligraphy. Perhaps it's dancing a bit on the wrong side of morally acceptable, but color him curious; Janus opens the letter.

_Remus,_

_I would say that there aren't words to describe how I feel when I think of you, but that would be unfair to you. (Not to mention a blatant downplaying of my own abilities.) So, I'll tell you. Not in the hopes of swaying you in any direction- I wouldn't dream of trying to control a force as wild as you. You are divine, untamable, resplendent._

_I'll put to words my emotions because you deserve the entire truth. For you, mine own, I will lay myself bare across the pyre of your judgement. More than lustful kisses I find myself filled with something tender for you. Soft and yet unbreakable._

_Remus, you do more than just make my heart race. My feelings don't center around the rush of newly bloomed love. For so many years, this secret I had been keeping so well hidden lifted me up from my darkest spirals of despair. My feelings for you could never weigh me down. When I step from behind the stage curtains and into the spotlight, that bravery is inspired by you. A single smile from you soothes me more than an uproarious crowd's applause. On days I could not bare to continue for myself, I did so for the opportunity to continue to know you._

Janus stops reading to dart his eyes down to the signature at the bottom of the page. Roman's name is painted in tender careful strokes. There's none of his usual autograph's practiced flamboyant flourish. For the first time Janus is hit with the guilt of peeking into something deeply, privately personal. 


	10. Chapter 10

Continuing the letter is more alluring a prospect than going to confront Remus without all the facts about the state of affairs. This is what he tells himself, anyway, to soothe any guilt that would orevent him from continuing his perusal.

_I won't insult you by ascribing the word muse when you are truly so much more. I was not born for you, nor you for me. The idea that what I feel is an accident of birth is trite and unsuitable. My feelings have grown as love ever does. One day at a time, through ups and downs and highs and lows, whether we experienced them together or apart._

_Perhaps, in honesty, I could have stopped it. When I first began to notice, I should have tried to stop it. Crushed the joy you brought to my life and rejected that I had ever had my eyes opened to your charm, bravery, and beauty. Yet, beloved, how could I possibly resist becoming addicted to your laugh? To the cadence of your voice and the ever present hunger in your smile?_

_I imagine how I feel watching you is an awe similar to someone might experience in the eye of a deadly storm or while facing down a ferocious beast. Exhileration and a hint of fear, but above all, in your presence I am at peace._

_There is no mythical couple I would invoke to draw parallels, because you are unparalleled. The gleam in your eyes when you spark mischief never fails to take my breath away. The flush of your cheeks when you suggest things that make our friends cringe makes me want to paint the world to your design._

_I find myself unable to resist speaking more of your beauty. Forgive me, and know that it isn't conceit that drives my admiration, but instead the knowledge that you wear our features so flawlessly. Your feral confidence astounds me. The light plays on your skin and the dust flits around you like a swirl of glitter as if it too can sense your presence and knows it can only find fulfilment by assisting in your elevation._

Here Janus is finally forced to stop his reading. There is only so much airheaded prose that he can stomach in one day.

He slams the door to his apartment open with all the dramatics of someone who has been kept in the dark about a particularly juicy secret.


	11. Chapter 11

"You!" Janus begins to accuse, and Remus can tell from his stride that he has figured out the picture he hadn't bothered to paint fully.

“I didn’t lie!" Remus is quick to defend, launching himself behind the couch in case Janus decides to throw something and he has to duck for cover. 

"I think," Janus hisses, "That you might have included the _slightly_ pertinent detail that the mysterious he in question was _your brother_!"

"I knew if I brought that part up from the start you would never shut up about it being Roman. I needed actual advice."

"Well," Janus harrumphs, "If nothing else, his note was very sincere." He holds it between two fingers like a card magician, twirling it across his knuckles and from left to right in a lackadaisical sleight of hand.

"You opened something meant for me? Going through other people's mail is illegal!” Remus accuses, making grabby hands and ignoring how much "illegal" has never been an obstacle to either of them before.

"It's not even stamped," Janus defends, finally handing it over, along with Remus' bag of miscellaneous things.

He's almost convinced himself that the entire thing will be something they laugh about later when he sees Remus delicately fingering the attached flowers, biting his lip at the extravagant presentation. He looks, of all things, _charmed_.

"Please tell me you aren't actually considering this," Janus realizes, wondering if it's horror or merely foresight for catastrophe swirling in his guts.

“You said not to dismiss a sincere love confession out of hand!” Remus insists, tearing into the letter itself and scouring the page with hungry eyes.


	12. Chapter 12

"Yes well, I didn't exactly foresee my advice leading to you potentially screwing around with your brother! Because that's a _totally_ reasonable and sensible thing to do!"

"It wouldn't be just screwing around, Roman doesn't-" Remus voice chokes off. Roman doesn't do casual. Roman doesn't show interest to someone he isn't convinced he could love. Roman's feelings are never only about sex.

"Oh bloody severed dick-nuts! He actually loves me... Roman is in love with me?" Remus' voice is suddenly weak, like he can't quite believe it. Janus clenches his teeth at the whisper of hope those words carry.

"You already know the answer," he says, staring to the side in feigned indifference.

"Yeah, I guess I do," Remus murmurs. He still doesn't look up from the letter.


End file.
